frank talk about suicide #1 – the beginning of the end of senseless suicide

Future frank talks about suicide won’t include me reading off of an iPad nor the imperfect infinite white background, hopefully… but honestly, I have at least 150 to 175 pages of manuscript copy to write, so I’m letting this go as is.

 Who am I and what is frank talk about suicide all about?

I’m someone, who 17 years ago, fell asleep inside of a running rental car that I had turned into a makeshift carbon monoxide gas chamber.  In the early morning hours of March 2nd 1998, I went through the most painful, most terrifying and most transformative experience in my life when I stopped breathing, and eventually went into cardiac arrest.  I had what is commonly referred to as a near death experience.  This website, is one place where I will share the story behind how I ended up in that car 17 years ago and as well as what has happened since then, leading up to the launch of this project and the career transition I am making from IT project leader in finance to author, public speaker and behavioral healthcare advocate.

The project, simply put, is one where I will aim to be the change that I wish to see in the world.

In his recently published book, The Innovators, Walter Isaacson describes a camp that Larry Page, Google co-founder and CEO attended when he was growing up.  This camp extolled the idea of “having a healthy disregard for the impossible,”  and Page is quoted as championing the value in “trying to do things that most people would not.”  The idea of making the seemingly impossible, possible is one that resonates with me. So, with that as a context, in sharing my story and the lessons learned from it, I aim to play my part in helping to cause:

the beginning of the end of senseless suicide in America and beyond.

I know that phrase begs the question, is there such a thing as sensible suicide?  This topic will be the subject of an entire frank talk in the coming weeks, but for now, suffice it to say that despite the fact that I believe that Jennifer Michael Hecht’s recently published book:  Stay:  A History of Suicide and the Philosophies Against It, should be required reading for all high school freshman and their parents despite that notion I do not believe that it is impossible for someone to make the case, that ending ones unbearable, and ostensibly unending pain and suffering is completely senseless.  It has always been interesting to me that many pets, in this country, seem to be afforded more compassion than our own most cherished loved ones when it comes to end of life questions for sentient beings dealing with seemingly unbearable amounts of pain and suffering.

Why am I using the domain name iameinstein.com to host frank talk about suicide?

I view Albert Einstein as the most creative paradigm shifting change agent that humanity has ever known.  For years I have said that Einstein likely rolled over in his grave when TIME Magazine put him on the cover of their Person of the Century issue without changing the title of the magazine, at least for that one issue to: TIMEspace or SPACETime.  Einstein overturned Newton and transformed humanity’s conception of this existence we share.  As he said, “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a persistent one.”

Powerful forces within the American healthcare system are already at work to transform the patient experience for those suffering from behavioral health disorders.  I am using the name of this extraordinary man to serve as a guiding inspiration to add to the conversation already underway aimed at making behavioral healthcare in this country more patient centered than it currently is.  Moreover, despite the fact that Einstein’s most notable achievements were in the field of theoretical physics the creative genius of this man was certainly not limited to that topic.  These two popular quotes of Einstein’s will serve as guiding principles for me on this project to reduce the suicide rate:

Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.

In addition to this website, I intend to share my story and the lessons learned from it, in as many ways as possible, with the objective of trying to cause a Malcolm Gladwellian Tipping Point to occur that results in a precipitous drop in the US suicide rate.  I truly believe that the stage has been set for such a positive social epidemic to occur.  The advancement of the suicide awareness and prevention movement over the last decade and a half has been impressive and the dramatic impact that mobile technology is already having on the transformation of behavioral healthcare in this country is evident, and clearly a sign of encouraging things to come.

Every means to share this story is on the table for me so as to increase the chances of creating the largest positive impact as possible for as many people as possible, as soon as possible.  First, my primary focus right now is completing the manuscript for a book about this story entitled – committed.  Also starting tomorrow, I will begin to market the story rights for committed to major film production companies online at iamhollywood.com.  While committed will hopefully be of particular interest and value to those struggling with suicidal ideations specifically, and behavioral health conditions in general, the story I have to tell is clearly one centered on three key universal questions:

  1. What will you do with you life?
  2. Who will you share your life with, as far as a partner or mate, if at all?
  3. What is going to happen to you when you die?

Second, I plan to begin giving in person ‘frank talks about suicide’ at high schools and colleges, followed hopefully by conferences and other suitable venues.  I plan to give my first in person frank talk in the Fall of this year.

Third, years ago I established a non-profit corporation named The Give to Live Foundation Prior to the end of 2015 I plan to re-launch this foundation as a think tank and philanthropic funding organization that searches for and funds projects aimed at causing Tipping Point like changes in America that will lead to the precipitous drop in the US suicide rate.  The measurable goals for this outcome include finding a co-Founder who will serve as the Executive Director, as I focus on fundraising a to be determined number of dollars before the end of the year, to fund our first suicide reducing tipping point idea.

Fourth one very specific, practical step that I am taking as I make this transition to becoming an activist is to understand why the Centers for Disease Control’s National Violent Death Reporting System has yet to be funded in all 50 states and do what I can to see that it is fully funded, for years to come.  You don’t have to know much about change management in general to understand the importance of being able to precisely measure that which you are attempting to change.  As I stand here right now, I’m ignorant of what stands in the way of this happening, but my assumption is that it is a challenge of mobilizing the political will to get the necessary funds appropriated.

Finally, to conclude this first talk, I want to share some particularly frank talk about my own near death experience that occurred just over 17 years ago as I said at the beginning the experience was the most painful, most terrifying one of my life and it was also the most transformative for two reasons.

  1. Because of what I learned about myself, and existence itself, as I understand it as a result of the experience and, because
  2. unlike every other experience in my life the memory of what happened 17 years ago when I couldn’t breathe, and my heart stopped that memory has never faded into the distance for me rather it follows me as a constant presence, and reminder of what I learned.

The arguably sad truth about that fact is that I have spent almost all of the last 17 years pretending that I didn’t learn what I learned, leaving out the fact that I have never shared about this experience publicly, until now.

I’m committed to changing that going forward and I’ll begin right now.  Unless you’ve read Susan Blackmore’s book entitled Dying to Live chances are you’ve never heard a story about a near death experience like mine. And in fact, that book only contains a single sentence referencing one particular man’s near death experience that, like mine, does not resemble the others stories you usually hear when someone comes as close to dying as possible while still having the opportunity to talk about the experience afterwards.

To be more specific I saw no light at the end any tunnel my life did not flash before my eyes there were no deceased relatives or historical figures or anyone at all there to greet or guide me anywhere.

For most of the experience I was in an infinite, completely black void and the only thing I could hear was the voice inside my head that I know as myself as I came to realize that i wasn’t breathing, and worse, if i didn’t do so soon my life as I know it would end.

The two key things I learned during the experience were:

  1. No matter how painful and terrifying the experience of death may be for someone in the end everything, and I mean everything is going to be alright, and
  2. The only thing standing between you and whatever you want to be, do or achieve in life is you.

My name is Francesco Bellafante and you have just listened to the first frank talk about suicide at iameinstein.com. Thank you for your time and attention.  Please come back next week for more.

Independence Day

Independence Day
July 4, 2014

In 1998, my ignorance about mental disorders, coupled with my own beliefs that reinforced the stigma associated with mental illness almost cost me my life.  In late 1997 I was a successful business systems analyst based in Manhattan who was about to be accepted into UCLA’s MBA program.  While on a particularly challenging assignment in Toronto I began to experience insomnia for the first time in my life. My mental health deteriorated quickly over the next few months as my five closest friends all coincidentally left New York, and I began to ruminate over what I was doing with my life.  At the time, I knew very little about mental illness in general and even less about major depression specifically.  Unfortunately, even though I knew I needed help, I was afraid to ask for it.  I was ashamed of what I thought needing and getting help for a behavioral health condition meant. After three months of sleeping between zero and three hours a night, I came as close to killing myself as a person can come, and still live to tell about it.  Over sixteen years later it is very clear to me that I nearly died because of my own ignorance and stigma reinforcing beliefs.

By publicly sharing about the circumstances leading up to, and the lessons learned since my suicide attempt, I hope to reveal insights about the suicidal mind specifically, and mental illness in general that may provide, at the very least, a modicum of understanding and peace to those left to mourn and remember loved ones who have died by their own hand.  Furthermore, I hope that by sharing the deeper truths behind this true story about how I nearly destroyed myself, that I will help people going down similarly self-destructive paths, avoid many of the mistakes that I have made.  Lastly, I hope that by openly sharing the truth about my past, with the intention of reducing the stigma surrounding behavioral health disorders, that I will enable myself to sustainably enjoy a sense of freedom going forward, that has eluded me for the majority of my adult life.

Why iameinstein.com?

Earlier in my career I worked for a breakthrough-thinking, management consulting firm based in Springfield, Pennsylvania.  This firm hosted an annual conference called Leveraging Genius:  The Language of Extraordinary Performance.  At the heart of the Leveraging Genius concept is the idea that the thinking that results in extraordinary performance can be distinguished and utilized by others to achieve remarkable outcomes. While Albert Einstein is best known for his theories of relativity and their resultant transformation of humanity’s conception and understanding of the world we inhabit, he is also celebrated for his creative views on many subjects outside of theoretical physics.  On this site, I will seek to leverage the genius of Einstein in service of two goals:

1. reducing the US suicide rate
2. catalyzing the transformation of behavioral healthcare in the US to be patient-centered