Thoughts from Russell Fascione about selfishness and suicide via TheMighty.com.
When a Friend Said ‘Suicide Is Pretty Selfish When You Think About It’
“Like… I get that it’s not the person’s fault really but… suicide is pretty selfish when you think about it.”
Instantly, it was like somebody lit that spark in my mind that never fails to ignite my passion for mental health advocacy. For me, there’s something about stigma that turns an ordinary passion into the sort of fire you can just see in someone’s eyes.
The above sentence was said to me (paraphrased, of course) a couple of years ago. I was tabling with a fellow Active Minds member and a friend of hers had joined us to hang out. I think we were tabling about suicide, which is why the subject came up.
My immediate reaction when she said this was to be offended. Did she really have the nerve to say that while we were tabling about suicide prevention? Once I took a step back from my emotion I realized that she didn’t mean to insult anyone. She probably didn’t understand how stigmatizing it can be to label suicide as “selfish.” How could I expect her to understand when the topic of suicide is so seldom discussed in our society?
“The thing about suicide is….” I paused, not wanting to offend her or make her think she offended me, “Even if we can call the act of attempting suicide selfish, the person behind it is not acting out of selfishness… if that makes sense.”
I could tell she was truly listening to what I was saying, so I continued. “When someone is so far into that dark place they want to end their life, they might not be thinking about who their actions are going to hurt. Maybe they are in too much pain to think about it. And even if they are aware of how it might impact their loved ones, the desire to end their pain may have become too great to bear anymore.”
If I remember correctly, that’s about all I said. I could’ve gone in-depth about the known risk factors for suicidal behavior. I could have explained how feeling like a burden (a common experience of those contemplating suicide) might make someone think they’re doing their loved ones a favor by taking their own life, which might completely negate any feelings of selfishness or guilt that they might have had. However, I could tell she was really considering what I had just said, and I didn’t want to go too far and overwhelm her.
The notion that suicide is selfish is something I had spent a great deal of time thinking about.
When I was 14 I felt so incredibly guilty for wanting to die, because I knew if I killed myself my family would be devastated. For years, that guilt and the selfishness I felt for thinking about suicide kept me from reaching out for help. All of the stigma about suicide — much of which I had internalized — had me convinced it was better to suffer in silence than to have someone else think what I did: that I was selfish for wanting to die. I’ll never know for sure if that guilt had pushed me closer to the edge or further from it, but I do know that I’m grateful to be alive.
Make no mistake, I didn’t lose any respect for this acquaintance because of her statement, and there was no animosity created between us. In fact I’m glad she said what she said, because it reminded me that the stigma we need to face is not just in the media and our larger social systems, but in the people around us who don’t even realize these ideas are stigmatizing.
It’s one of the things that make the work I do as an Active Minds member or in other advocacy settings that much more important. I also realized that it was important for me to listen and understand where she was coming from too, because a one-sided conversation is not a productive conversation, especially in the pursuit of social change.
Being part of the social movement against mental health stigma can be difficult and discouraging, especially with the seemingly endless sea of misinformation and disrespect shown in various media outlets, but it’s worth it. Thinking back, it makes me happy to remember how respectful and thoughtful that conversation was. It gives me hope to know that “fighting” the stigma doesn’t have to be a fight —sometimes it’s as simple as a conversation.
I wanted to share this story here because I hope to see a day in which we can completely put to rest the idea that victims of suicide are selfish, weak or otherwise bad people, and think instead with empathy by making an effort to understand what someone might be going through if they are contemplating suicide.
My thoughts on the subject:
As a fellow suicide awareness / mental health advocate, I think it’s important to have conversations like the one you describe in this piece. I shared some of the same feelings of guilt regarding my own suicidal intentions and behavior when I nearly died as a result of untreated depression in 1998.
I think the conversation around suicide and selfishness is an important one. I think it’s important to acknowledge the pain and suffering experienced by suicide loss survivors. I think it’s a completely normal reaction for a suicide loss survivor to wonder: how much consideration did my love one give to me before dying by suicide? I think it’s equally “wrong” to blame someone for being suicidal as it is to blame a suicide loss survivor for wondering about the thoughts and feelings of their loved one prior to their death.
I often turn to the dictionary definition of the word selfish in conversations like the one you had: (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.
It seems apparent to me that some people who die by suicide may not give very much consideration to the impact of their actions on others. They do not see themselves as a burden to others, rather their suicidal crisis stems from feelings of shame, embarrassment and guilt. Sometimes simply for feeling and acting suicidal.
I know that some suicidal people go through a series of desperate mental gymnastics to try to think of anything else besides the impact of their death on family and friends. This is part of a process that some suicidal people go through to work up the nerve, to work up the courage to take suicidal action. I know this because I did it, and I don’t believe that my suicidal crisis was unique.
Here’s how I’ve described my thinking in the past about why it doesn’t make sense to think of suicide as a selfish act:
Many view suicidal people as selfish cowards, but I believe it takes courage, massive amounts of courage to turn suicidal thought into suicidal action. Trying to cause your heart to stop beating, while knowing, to some degree at least, how much pain and suffering your death will cause for those who love you requires a special kind of morbid audacity. I won’t claim that there has never been a person who has died by suicide who lived selfishly during his or her life, but I insist that anyone who thinks those two words: selfish and cowardly — about the suicidal act itself, has no first hand experience with the macabre deed. The biological instinct for self-preservation is an almost insurmountable force to overcome. Death is the greatest unknown and fear-inspiring phenomenon facing each of us, which explains why possessing an enormous amount of courage is a prerequisite for dying by suicide.
Suicide can’t be accurately described as selfish either, although it’s understandable why people are prone to do so. The dictionary defines selfish as: lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure. I think it is unavoidable for survivors of suicide, the friends and family of people who die by suicide, to wonder how much consideration was given to them by their loved one or friend, prior to their suicide. Regardless of how much time and consideration someone who died by suicide gave to those left to deal with life after their death, the end of physical and psychic pain resulting from suicide can not bring pleasure nor profit to the deceased. So the suicidal act, by definition, cannot accurately be described as selfish. Suicide extinguishes any notion of the self. An act that causes the sense of self to no longer exist is inherently not selfish.
November 14th, 2016
Dear President Obama,
Beau Biden was my captain on the tennis team in high school, and Hunter and I nearly won a football state championship together back in 1988. As a self-declared brother of their father, you are undeniably an honorary member of our extended Archmere family.
I remember the moment during the early morning hours of August 23rd back in 2008 when I got the text message announcing that Joe Biden was your running mate, and I will never forget the moment later that year when you were elected president. It was that night that I committed myself to getting into a position to leverage my personal connection with Vice President Biden, before you both left office, to the benefit of an important but underserved cause in this country: suicide prevention.
My namesake and paternal grandfather died in a mysterious explosion at the factory where he worked two days after Christmas in 1951. Within a year my fourteen year old father-to-be was working two jobs, and giving $40 a month (about $350 in 2016) to his mother to help support her and his two younger sisters. He joined the Army after graduating from high school where he learned how to be a land surveyor. After returning from his tour in Europe, he met my mother-to-be, bought a small land surveying firm in Delaware, and started a family. My father ran the business while my mother ran just about everything else at home. My parents, two high school graduates, paid for every penny of their four children’s education, which included private grade schools, the same private high school attended by the Bidens, and the colleges of our choice. Good luck, hard work and love have made the story of Judy and Franco Bellafante an unequivocal example of the American Dream.
I enrolled at the University of Notre Dame in the fall of 1989. Archmere and AP tests gave me a 30 credit head start, and I earned a Bachelor of Arts in just three and a half years, graduating Magna Cum Laude with a Phi Beta Kappa Honor Society induction to boot. Mr. Tom Brokaw closed his commencement address to the class of ‘93 in South Bend like this, “It’s easy to make a buck; it’s harder to make a difference. We need your help. Go Irish!” Four years later I became the youngest Principal out of 350 staff at a financial IT consulting firm located a couple of blocks from Wall Street. I was 26 years old, and my bill rate was $250 an hour. I won’t deny that I worked hard, but Mr. Brokaw was right. The advantages afforded me had made it easy for me to become someone who billed in excess of half a million dollars a year in consulting fees. Back then being successful at my job was paramount to me, while “making a difference” had been temporarily relegated to a distant backburner.
Less than a year later and a few weeks before being accepted into UCLA’s Anderson School of Management, a foreman at a warehouse arriving for work in Secaucus found me clinging to life inside of a running rental car that I’d turned into a makeshift carbon monoxide gas chamber the night before. I had a near death experience in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, and I woke up a couple of days later in the ICU. Suffice it to say that my suicidal crisis stemmed from an unshakeable belief that I had become unable to live up to expectations I had for myself as a result of being the beneficiary of so many advantages and so much privilege. Countless hours of introspection and study over the ensuing years have made me a “lived experience expert” regarding how some young people, with no prior trauma and with many apparent advantages, feel so self-loathing and so hopeless that they become suicidal.
In April of 2015 I left my day job in IT to work full-time in suicide prevention and mental healthcare advocacy. I became a volunteer in the speakers bureau of the Greater Philadelphia Chapter of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I began to share some of the lessons I’ve learned since my suicidal crisis by giving talks at Philadelphia area schools and businesses aimed at lowering the suicide rate and reducing the stigma surrounding mental illness.
In June of this past summer, I was on Capitol Hill with hundreds of volunteers from the AFSP advocating for more federal funding for suicide prevention. Thanks to Hunter and an assistant of the Vice President, I was poised to introduce the executive leadership of the AFSP to the Vice President and his policy staff when the mass shooting in Orlando derailed our plans to meet.
You are taking questions from the press for the first time since the election as I write this message to you, and I’m compelled to share the following as if I was at the presser and you had just called on me.
Based on 2014 CDC statistics, about 58 Americans die from self-inflicted gunshot wounds every single day—a death toll nine lives greater than the deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history. Annually that’s 21,334 lives lost to suicide via a firearm. Comparatively just half as many Americans died by homicide via a firearm in that year, and only 18 Americans died in mass shootings in all of 2014 according to Mother Jones reporting. Imagine that at 12:00 noon tomorrow, 58 Americans simultaneously die by suicide via a firearm. Imagine that twenty four hours later it happens again—58 simultaneous suicides via a firearm occur at 12:00 noon. Twenty four hours later it happens yet again.
Am I right to assume that if this slight and absurd modification to the details surrounding the daily tragedy of firearm inflicted suicide occurred in reality, that you would be compelled to say and do things to try to prevent suicide that you have yet to say or do?
If so, why not consider adding more achievements to your team’s list of accomplishments in suicide prevention before leaving office?
There is still time for you to try to change what this picture looks like in order to bend the rising U.S. suicide rate curve.
You are an elocutionary potentate and a transformational leader of humanity. I imagine that you have inspired millions of Earthlings to serve the public’s interest in ways that they might not have without your influence. I am grateful to include myself in this group. Your vision for the future of this country inspired me to do the hard work to try to make a difference for others by being the change that I wish to see in this world.
With the election behind us, I’m happy to report that I am in the process of rescheduling the meeting between the AFSP executive leadership and Vice President Biden. I will be sure to share the time of that appointment with you and your staff once it’s scheduled just in case you might be available to join us.
Thank you for all that you have done to prevent suicide and to improve mental health care in this country. Thank you for being a constant reminder of the positive difference that someone can make in the lives of others.
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, Greater Philadelphia Chapter Board of Directors
Zero Suicide Champion
frank talk about mental health ~ leveraging the genius of Einstein to stop suicide and to maximize well-being
In this post I will answer some of the questions that I posed in frank talk about mental health, episode 7 | Why do people attempt suicide?
As a reminder, I am a suicide attempt survivor who had a near death experience due to semi-intentionally caused acute carbon monoxide poisoning eighteen and a half years ago when I was 27 years old.
As I explained in episode 7, I’m aware that my answers to these questions don’t apply to everyone who becomes suicidal or who dies by suicide. With that said, I still don’t believe that my answers are unique, and apply only to me. While my answers may not resonate with you or with what you think your loved one was thinking and feeling when he or she attempted or died by suicide, I’m convinced that they apply to many people. A growing number of suicide attempt survivors are sharing about the circumstances leading up to their suicidal crisis. While it’s impossible to know for sure precisely what someone who died by suicide was thinking, I believe it’s possible to gain insight into the state of mind of a loved one or associate who died by suicide by exploring the growing number of personal accounts provided by suicide attempt survivors like myself. By revealing insights about my suicidal mindset, I hope to provide, at the very least, a modicum of understanding and peace to those left to mourn and remember loved ones who have died by their own hand.
I also hope to be a source of hope for those who may be feeling hopeless and suicidal.
1. Why do people who have every single thing that they need and almost everything that they want have suicidal thoughts?
If you are a human being that has a sense of self, if you have a sense of personal identity or an ego, I think you are susceptible to having suicidal thoughts.
The problem of suffering arises from our reaction to what-is, our resistance to it, or our interpretation of it, which is a function of our conditioning.
My paternal grandfather died when my father was just thirteen years old. Within a year of his father’s death, my father worked two jobs to help support his family to the tune of $350 a month (in 2016 dollars). Neither of my parents went to college, but they were determined to provide my siblings and I with the highest quality education possible given their middle class income. I went to private school from the time I was in fourth grade through college. I graduated from the University of Notre Dame in just three and a half years, and by the time I was twenty six years old I was working for an information technology consulting firm a couple of blocks from Wall Street. My bill rate was $250 an hour. While on assignment in Toronto, I had a troubling experience at work. The genesis of the crisis that nearly resulted in my suicide was a single, negative interaction with the senior client on my sub-team in Toronto. At our first meeting, the senior client manager on the team asked me if I had any prior experience working with commercial lending, credit risk management systems. The way he framed the question indicated he assumed I would respond affirmatively, but I had no such relevant experience. I balked at saying no, and then pivoting to explain why I would still be a valuable asset to the team and the project as a whole. Instead, I responded, “Excuse me?” as if I didn’t hear his question. The man was less than five feet away from me, and he spoke quite clearly; I was instantly and irrevocably mortified. By the time he had finished rephrasing his question slightly, I was ready to give him my “no” which I did, but I failed miserably, in my view anyway, when I tried to pivot back to why he should still be pleased to have me on his team.
I began to suffer as a result of this interaction, not because of what had happened, but rather because of my interpretation of what had happened. My self image and my sense of self-worth had been based on what authority figures in my life thought of me. This worked fine for the first twenty six years of my life. My parents were the first authority figures in my life, followed by my teachers and then my superiors at work. My sense of self-worth and self-esteem was probably higher than average because the feedback that I had received from these people was overwhelmingly positive. This incident at work in Toronto changed all of that. I became convinced that an authority figure (my client) thought very poorly of me. He never said this, but I believed that he was thinking thoughts like this: I can’t believe that we’re paying this guy two hundred and fifty bucks an hour! He’s not worth $2.50 an hour!! Whether he thought this or not really wasn’t important. It’s what I thought an authority figure thought about me, and in a very short period of time, I believed it as the irrefutable truth. I came to see myself as an under-qualified, over-compensated fraud.
It still seems incredible to me how quickly I unraveled; how quickly hope and excitement for the future were replaced by fear and apprehension. Within a month’s time, my internal monologue became almost unrecognizable to me. The voice I was accustomed to hearing, one brimming with confidence, resourcefulness, excitement and determination was replaced by one saddled with uncertainty, doubt, indecision and distress. Thinking and feeling so negatively about myself for an extended period of time was a novel experience for me. I searched my psyche in vain for something to reverse my psychological and emotional slide, but the unrelenting pessimism of the voice in my head stripped away my self-esteem and hope for things to come. Silencing my fearful, troubled, constantly-questioning self-talk at night was so difficult that getting sound sleep became impossible. Night after night I only slept between zero to three hours at most thanks to the ceaseless barrage of dark, automatic thoughts that bombarded my consciousness, and ate away at my sanity. As I continued descending a downward spiral of disempowering thoughts, I began to ruminate over what I was doing with my life. I remember the first glimmer of my very first suicidal ideation. It happened on a particularly turbulent flight home to New York from Toronto on a Friday afternoon. Normally unnerved by turbulence, I found the unlikely prospect of crashing oddly comforting. I remember thinking: If only this plane would go down, I wouldn’t have to worry about this miserable assignment any longer.
Within just a couple of weeks of my professional faux pas in Toronto, I had discounted all of my prior accomplishments, as my formerly steadfast belief in my ability to intellectually tackle any problem waned. Some bad luck left me socially isolated as my five closest friends all coincidentally moved away from New York City over the course of a few weeks. The lack of reassurance received from my usual sounding boards to bolster my flagging self-confidence paved the way for my suicidal crisis. My ability to concentrate was so impaired from lack of sleep, that completing simple tasks—like deciding what to have for dinner, or packing my bag for the week ahead in Toronto—became cognitively burdensome. Not surprisingly, given my deteriorating mental faculties, effectively performing the duties of my job became impossible. I became certain that I wasn’t ever going to be able to live a life that would honor my parents and all of the sacrifices they had made for me. In a short period of time, my thoughts of death gave rise to thoughts of suicide, followed eventually by a practical plan to end my life.
2. What goes wrong with someone that has so many gifts, talents, privileges, and advantages?
The good fortune that I experienced through the first twenty-six years of life left me with high expectations for myself and my future. The incident in Toronto caused me to confuse being unknowledgeable in a particular subject (commercial lending risk management) with being un-intelligent in general. This cognitive mistake and my faith in the veracity of my conclusions due to my track record of being a high performer in school and at work led me to believe that the expectations that I had for myself were beyond my reach. I became consumed with feelings of guilt, embarrassment and shame as a result. I felt guilty that I was even considering the idea of checking out given the depth and breadth of suffering experienced by countless others in the world. I felt guilty that I had achieved so little in life after having been given so much. I was embarrassed that I had ever thought I was intelligent and that I could achieve anything that I set my sights on. I was embarrassed that I was in a situation where I obviously needed help and was mortally afraid to ask for it. I was ashamed that I was considering ending my life because I feared that I wouldn’t be able to earn an above average living. I was ashamed of the imagined prospect of having to move back home to Delaware to live with my parents, and get a job in the local shopping mall.
Guilt involves falling short of one’s own moral standards.
Embarrassment is the feeling of discomfort experienced when some aspect of ourselves is, or threatens to be, witnessed by or otherwise revealed to others and we think that this revelation is likely to undermine the image of ourselves that, for whatever reason or reasons, we seek to project to those others.
Shame arises from measuring our actions against moral standards and discovering that they fall short.
3. How can someone who has love for his family and friends and whom is loved by his family and friends be suicidal and not tell a loved one? How can they not reach out to a loved one for help?
I did reach out to a few close friends to express that I was having trouble, although I never went so far as to explicitly say that I was in need of help. I even told my closest friend at the time that I had gone as far as considering ending my life. Regarding reaching out to members of my family, I had a single conversation with my parents from my hotel room in Toronto several weeks before I nearly killed myself, where I expressed concerns about my performance at work. In each case, my communication was only as effective as the responses that it elicited. I received constructive advice from one friend—he suggested that I quit my job and try doing something completely different for awhile like go work at a ski resort or on a cruise ship. Another friend was moved to discuss his concerns about my situation with his father who subsequently telephoned me to check in on me. The friend I explicitly shared about my suicidal thoughts with became emotional as a result of my revelation, and was supportive in the moment, but he still wasn’t compelled to talk about our conversation with anyone else. As far as the interaction with my parents, as novel as it was for me to express concerns about work to them, they too didn’t grasp the severity of my situation. Me engaging in suicidal behavior wasn’t an eventuality that they seriously entertained.
I viewed my deteriorating mental health as a character flaw, because I believed other people would see it the same way, and I believed that asking for help to deal with what was going on in my head was a sign of a personal weakness. Thoughts and beliefs like these lie at the heart of the stigma surrounding mental illness, and explain why many people suffering like I was back then never seek help.
4. What motivates someone without traumatic experience who has access to loving support from family and friends to harm themselves?
Unsubstantiated beliefs about myself and my future coupled with irrational thinking due to sleep deprivation motivated me to engage in suicidal behavior.
5. What could a loved one (or anyone else) of a suicide attempt survivor or someone lost to suicide have done to prevent the suicide attempt or suicide?
Obviously, there’s nothing anyone can do to change the outcome of an event in the past. As a free will skeptic, I don’t believe that human beings consciously author their thoughts or intentions. We live in a cause and effect physical reality that is governed by immutable laws. Like Albert Einstein, I too believe that the thoughts and intentions that arise in consciousness do so according to these natural laws. Given this view of reality, there’s no coherent way to explain how an organism, human or otherwise, makes freely-willed conscious choices. Einstein believed that the subjective experience of making “choices” was a “delusion of consciousness.” As a result, Einstein believed that thoughts and feelings like regret, guilt and shame are all based on a gross misunderstanding of reality that arises from an egocentric view of life. I think Einstein’s answer to this question would have sounded something like this: There is nothing that a loved one (or anyone else) could have done differently to prevent the suicide attempt or suicide of someone. The person who blames him or herself for not behaving in a way that he or she thinks would have or could have prevented the suicide attempt or suicide of someone is misunderstanding how the universe works. For that person to have done something other than they did, the universe would have had to have been in a different state than it was in at the moment in question.
The universe is going to unfold how it is going to unfold based on the immutable laws of physics, whether we can foresee what’s going to happen or not. In simple cases, we can accurately predict the future. In unfathomably more complex cases—predicting the thoughts that arise within a human being’s consciousness and what she is going to do as a result—we cannot reliably make accurate predictions yet. Our understanding of neurobiology has yet to reach the point where we can accurately predict the output of the most complex object in the known universe: the human brain.
Make no mistake, I still believe that preventing suicides from occurring in the future is possible and worthwhile work. Knowledge of the warning signs and risk factors for suicide and vigilance can be the cause of someone avoiding a suicide attempt altogether. Also worth noting, there is always help available for someone in the midst of a suicidal crisis. You can always call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
6. Why was I “gripped by fear” about life?
Fear seems to have many causes. Fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of being hurt, and so on, but ultimately all fear is the ego’s fear of death, of annihilation. To the ego, death is always just around the corner. In this mind-identified state, fear of death affects every aspect of your life.
I don’t recall precisely when I came to understand that my lungs will cease drawing breath and my heart will stop pumping blood and I will die. I also don’t remember when I realized that absolutely no one has any certain knowledge about what is going on in existence. The apparent unknowability of the answers to the “big picture” questions that homo sapiens ponder can be unsettling to some. The certainty around the inevitability of the death of the body coupled with the uncertainty around what is going on in existence is enough to give any contemplative person pause.
During the summer of 2009 I came across the post below at thesuicideproject.org
I posted the comment below in response:
I’m sorry that you are going through a rough time. Your supposition about the presence of any “listeners” is off the mark actually. This site is fairly well trafficked. There are a lot of people out here that feel as you do, and there are a lot of people out here who care and want to help. I’m one of the latter.
The reason that I mentioned that there are many others struggling with problems similar to yours is to point out that there are many people who have had the problems you are having who have figured out effective and sustainable ways to deal with them. This is good news, I think, because you can learn how to do this too, if you are open to it.
One highly effective way to deal with depression, according to many clinical studies, is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy called rational emotive behavioral therapy. Here’s a one sentence description of REBT’s basic premise that I just copied from Wikipedia: “One of the fundamental premises of REBT is that humans, in most cases, do not merely get upset by unfortunate adversities, but also through how they construct their views of reality through their language, evaluative beliefs, meanings and philosophies about the world, themselves and others.”
For example, you seem to be primarily depressed by the fact that a girl that you love is not loving you back how you would like her to. Falling in love with someone who doesn’t love you back in the same way is a very common thing, I believe, and feeling sad or upset about it is a natural reaction. I think. However, going to the point of harming yourself physically and contemplating ending your own life as a result seems to be an extreme reaction to me, as I’m sure it does to many others. You write about wanting and needing love from others, and it’s clear that you would like to have a particular kind of love from this girl.
I think it’s important to realize that everyone, including this girl, has the freedom to love who she wants, how she wants. It’s equally important to realize that someone choosing not to love you how you would like them to love you is not about YOU, that’s about her and what SHE wants. Even if she loved you for a while, she has the right to choose to not love you in the same way now or in the future. I imagine that you have created a number of dis-empowering beliefs about yourself and life as a result of the rejection you received from this girl. I’m guessing that you might be thinking that you’re not worthy of someone elses love or maybe that you will not find someone to love you the way that you want to be loved. What’s important to get is that YOU are the one creating those beliefs. YOU are choosing to think that way (assuming that that’s what you’re thinking.)
What you wrote about your sister points to the same kind of problem in thinking I believe: “my sister moved out for a time which also contributed with the cutting. she also made me feel worthless.” Isn’t it more accurate to say that you chose cutting yourself as a way to deal with the pain you felt when your sister moved out? And regarding feeling worthless as a result of things your sister may have said to you – consider looking at it this way – YOU CHOOSE to label yourself as worthless based on what your sister said or did. That is YOUR choice to think and/or feel that you are worthless. My point is that you can choose to think otherwise, and thinking otherwise could lead you to feel differently about yourself and your life.
You wrote a lot about love in your post and I think that the love you may be lacking may be an unconditional love for yourself. Cutting yourself and worse, ending your own life is an unloving thing to do to yourself. I don’t mean to say that you don’t have valid reasons to think what you do which lead you to feel how you feel right now – i.e. the abuse from your mother and issues with your family and friends. What’s important to get here is that just because something is VALID doesn’t mean that it has to be that way or that it is necessarily the TRUTH.
You are in charge of what you think and what you think is going to determine how you feel. Some people have more ‘negative input’ or troubling or challenging circumstances in life to deal with – that’s the way life is. What I’m offering for you to consider is that you are in charge of creating your own self-image and view of the world, regardless of the environment you’re in.
One book that I read during a difficult time in my life is called Feeling Good by David D. Burns. It explains in great detail how to go about altering how you feel by altering how you think about the things that happen in your life.
I hope what I’ve written here offers you some hope that things can go differently for you in the future. I know they can, but it’s up to you to believe that they can. Believing that something else is possible is what makes something else possible.
I’m here to help. Please feel free to contact me at incredulity at gmail dot com. I wish you the best.
I stand by my recommendation about cognitive behavioral therapy and Dr. Burns’ book Feeling Good, but I’ve updated my response to Jessica below in light of how I think about “choices” and “free will” now, over seven years later.
I think it’s important to realize that everyone, including this girl, can love whomever she wants to love, however she wants to love them. It’s equally important to realize that someone not loving you how you would like them to love you is not about you, rather that’s about her and what she wants. Even if she loved you for awhile, she might not love you in the same way in the future. I imagine that you have created a number of dis-empowering beliefs about yourself and life as a result of this rejection. I’m guessing that you might be thinking that you’re not worthy of someone else’s love or maybe that you will not find someone to love you the way that you want to be loved. If you are thinking this way, it’s important to understand that your thoughts are subject to change over time. Question and challenge your thinking. If something you’re thinking makes you feel badly, consider that you’re capable of thinking something else.
What you wrote about your sister points to the same kind of problem in thinking I believe: “my sister moved out for a time which also contributed with the cutting. she also made me feel worthless.” Isn’t it more accurate to say that you were compelled to cut yourself as a way to deal with the pain you felt when your sister moved out? And regarding feeling worthless as a result of things your sister may have said to you – consider looking at it this way – you’re compelled to label yourself as worthless based on what your sister said or did. You don’t choose your thoughts before they occur to you; no one does. Thoughts and intentions simply arise in consciousness. I suggest trying to question or challenge disempowering thoughts like these when they occur to you. You have the power to continue to think and to think something else… to think something that doesn’t make you feel worthless. You are not your thoughts. You’re not even the author of your thoughts. You are witness to your thoughts, and remember that your thoughts don’t necessarily represent the truth.
You wrote a lot about love in your post and I think that the love you may be lacking may be an unconditional love for yourself. Cutting yourself and worse, ending your own life is an unloving thing to do to yourself. I don’t mean to say that you don’t have valid reasons to think what you do which lead you to feel how you feel right now – i.e. the abuse from your mother and issues with your family and friends. What’s important to get here is that just because something is valid doesn’t mean that it has to be that way or that it is necessarily the truth. Granted, some people have more “negative input” or troubling and challenging circumstances in life to deal with than other people – that’s the way life is. What I’m offering for you to consider is that you play a crucial role in creating your own self-image and view of the world, regardless of the environment you’re in.
One book that I read during a difficult time in my life is called Feeling Good by David D. Burns. It explains in great detail how to go about altering how you feel by working to alter how you think about the things that happen in your life.
I hope what I’ve written here offers you some hope that things can go differently for you in the future. I know they can, but it’s up to you to believe that they can. Believing that something else is possible is what makes something else possible.
I was named after my paternal grandfather who died in a mysterious explosion at the fireworks factory where he worked two days after Christmas in 1951. My father to be was 13 years old. Within a year, he was earning $15 a week to help support his mother and two younger sisters delivering newspapers and working in a drugstore as a stock boy and soda jerk.
He was bringing home $400 a month, in today’s dollars, to help support his family.
He was 14 years old.
by Estes Shane Whalen
Dear Mr. Vice President:
We’ve been crossing paths since I was 12 years old, but the first time we spoke to one another was just last year.
The first time I saw you in person was in line for a movie at the former Concord Mall theater on 202 near Naamans Road. It was the spring of ‘83 and Coppola’s The Outsiders had just opened in theaters. I was 12 years old, my brother Mark and Beau were 14, and Hunter was 13. Mark and I were in line right behind you, Dr. Biden, Beau and Hunter. You guys ended up getting the last four tickets for The Outsiders, and even though we were underage, the woman at the box office let us buy tickets for the R rated comedy, Joysticks, which was not nearly as good a film, believe me.
Then during high school at Archmere, at football games with Hunter and tennis matches with Beau, and various other events, I saw you more times than I can recount.
Then in early 2012, when the football team that Hunter and I played on together that lost to Laurel 7-2 in the state championship game was inducted into the Archmere Athletics hall of fame, I saw Beau for the last time when you both showed up at the Patio that night. I took delight in the fact that with not a single spare seat in the house that night, you took a seat on the stairs, and that was no big deal. I chatted briefly with Hunter that night, but I’m sad to say that I didn’t say hi to Beau. But I do recall the last time I saw and spoke with him. I’m not sure what year it was, but I was driving through Philly when I saw Beau walking alone on the sidewalk, and he saw me see him. So I pulled over, put my hazards on, jumped out of my truck and ran back to have a quick chat. I don’t remember what we talked about really, but I do remember being lit up by the chance encounter… because… well, Beau was Beau.
Anyway, it was last year when I personally met you for the first time when I offered you my condolences at Beau’s wake.
A couple months later I sent an email to Hunter that I want to share part of with you now:
The obvious horrible circumstances aside, I was grateful to have had the chance to spend the few moments that we spent together at Beau’s wake; it meant a lot to me to see you and to personally express my condolences to you and your family. I also want to let you know how touched I was, blown away really, by your amazing tribute to your brother at the funeral. The entire ceremony was such a beautiful tribute and celebration of Beau and his life. I was so grateful to be able to see it, not to mention to know that people that may not have known Beau could see and hear you and everyone else that spoke, so that they could understand what kind of son, father, brother, friend and public servant… what kind of person your brother was. I also wanted to take a moment to share something else with you. Beau’s wake was the first time that I ever spoke with your father, and as I was getting close to the front of the receiving line, I debated taking a couple extra moments to thank him for his decades of service to the people of Delaware and this country, but I decided against it in the interest of time. I wanted to thank him for living such an inspiring life and for dedicating himself to public service and for being a living example of the difference that one person can help make, for others.
So, thank you.
Just this past summer, with the help of Hunter, I got this letter in front of your scheduling assistant.
Dear Mr. Vice President:
Nine years after I graduated from Archmere Academy I nearly died by suicide when I was 27 years old. Eighteen years after my suicidal crisis I am grateful to be a Philadelphia chapter board member of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), the leading nonprofit at the center of the fight to reduce the mortality of suicide in this country. Our mission is to save lives and bring hope to those affected by suicide.
In a couple of weeks hundreds of AFSP volunteers will visit Washington D.C. to meet with lawmakers to advocate for increased federal funding for evidence-based suicide prevention programs. The AFSP has an ambitious goal and a practical plan to reduce the U.S. suicide rate by 20% by 2025. I am writing to ask you to please consider meeting with the leadership of the AFSP before you leave office. Robert Gebbia, our CEO, Dr. Christine Moutier, our Chief Medical Officer, and John Madigan, our Vice President of Public Policy would greatly appreciate the opportunity to brief you on our strategy to save the lives of thousands of Americans. If your schedule permits, a brief meeting with you on June 14th would undoubtedly energize our growing group of thoughtful, committed citizens dedicated to reducing suicide.
We are convinced that our movement is approaching a tipping point in garnering the political will necessary to halt the rising U.S. suicide rate. Your help in raising awareness about this preventable cause of death will hasten the arrival of the day when suicide is no longer one of the top ten causes of death in this country. Thank you for your time and consideration, and thank you for being a living example of the positive difference that one person can make in the lives of others.
Archmere Academy Class of 1989
The date we were hoping to arrange the meeting for was June 14th, which turned out to be two days after the worst mass-shooting in our nation’s history. Timing is everything, but there is still time to make this meeting happen before you leave office, if your schedule permits.
Your work with the #CancerMoonshot is inspiring. Tragically, but not surprisingly the suicide rate for cancer patients is about double the national average. Worse yet, a study has found the suicide rate to be 13 times higher for patients during the first three months after their diagnosis.
The leadership of the AFSP and I are grateful for all that you, Dr. Biden and the Obamas have already done for the suicide awareness and prevention cause, but the days when the father of two of my teammates from high school is the Vice President of the United States are quickly drawing to a close.
I promised myself when you and the President were elected that I would get myself in a position to leverage my personal connection to you for the benefit of this cause before you left office. So, from one Archmere Auk to another, I’m asking you to please consider meeting with these extraordinary leaders from the national non-profit at the center of this winnable fight to stop suicide.
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
Board of Directors, Greater Philadelphia Chapter